Lots of Little questions and not many answers? ...

It was now that I started to notice that as I was deteriorating, so was everything around me. I was finishing college at this point and needed to start to decide what path to take in life. This is one of the most difficult choices a young person has to make without hitting rock bottom at the same time. I couldn't even decide what clothes to wear in the morning let alone start worrying about getting a job or deadlines for applying to universities. Not too long before college ended I did find out I wasn't being allowed to go to university anyway which made me realise I would have get a full time job.

 

                                                                 Photo off of soworthloving.com

Because I was fixated on my health I wasn’t bothered about work and didn’t want to have to worry about finally going out into the ‘Big World’ as all I could concentrate on was getting better. I carried on with my weekend job at a Garden Centre and tried to forget about what was going on in my mind. It was a struggle and didn’t help that I had hidden pressures which worsened my anxiety and stress levels. I think now that this was one of the lowest points in my life. My boyfriend started getting very worried and kept on dropping hints to go and see a doctor so finally I decided to go. When I walked into the doctor’s surgery I just wanted to turn around and walk straight out; my heart was beating as if I had just run a marathon.

 The one thing I knew at this point is that it wouldn't be the only time I would be in the surgery for a while as I was going to be told something awful. I knew I wasn’t right and I had been silly brushing it off until now. Whilst waiting there, the one thing I remember was my partner telling me it would be ok. It may sound silly but I constantly used to ask whether everything would ever actually be ok. I do still do to this day. I wanted to be told that everything was fine, to put my mind to rest and be comforted although the majority of time I never take the words ‘you’re fine’ on board anymore. I waited and waited and after what felt like a lifetime I finally got called in.

 I had hundreds of thoughts going through my head the whole time sitting there and just wanted all of the worries and pain to stop. When the doctor asked how I felt and what was wrong I couldn’t really explain. When I have a seizure I don’t know what happens during it; I know I’m feeling an ‘out of space’ dizziness, not knowing what I’m saying and just not with it as I’m blacking out - I’m sure many others can relate to this. So I did try to explain the majority of my feelings to the doctor, my partner advised what he had seen over the past months and after all of it came out, the doctor couldn't really decide what it was.

                                                                   Photo off of Google

Before the doctor gave a diagnosis I remember I was sitting there the whole time fidgeting, twiddling my thumbs and tapping my feet on the floor as I was so anxious. Due to my massive loss of weight he finally said the reason for me having the seizures was my diet. After he gave his diagnosis it made me think: now if I eat and sort out my food and diet then I will get better. I got advised to give it some time and see what happens from there but if it does get worse then come back. My partner wasn’t too sure but went along with it and said he’d look after me no matter what. It felt like a huge weight off of my shoulders: I now had a plan.

             Has anyone else been through anything like this? Or know anyone who has? 

    Love Alice xxx

Lots of Little Worries..

At this point my friends had seen the kind of seizures I was having and tried to tell me I needed to see a doctor although I didn’t take on their advice. My head was in another place unfortunately: I thought that if my parents knew I was having fits they would be ashamed... So I tried to prevent myself from being home too long as I had many little brothers and sisters and didn’t want them to see their big sis having a seizure in front of them. They wouldn’t understand at all.  I did try and get my mind off of what was happening by staying in college longer so I tried to do as much work as I could at that point, studying Graphic Design, Textiles Tech and Photography. I loved Graphic Design so I tried to study and work as hard as I could on my Art projects in that particular class. I remember putting so much dedication and thought into the lesson to try to stop myself thinking about what was going on. 

Photo off of http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk 

Luckily I did have many friends in that class so they helped me and stayed with me if I needed it and gave me the strength I didn’t have. Drawing and trying to concentrate on my work as opposed to thinking about what was happening with my health helped me a lot. This was a way that I had the power to help my recovery; I used to take every day as it came, to think 'one day gone without having a seizure, tonight to go and then tomorrow'. Too be brutally honest, at this point in what was happening I didn’t know what my seizures were. To explain what was happening I would blame mine on food. My excuses were that I hadn’t eaten enough, or I had too much or no sugar in the day.  I was too scared to go to the doctor as I was frightened of the outcome. Burying my head in the sand couldn't save me as I then started to get them at work too. I was so lucky that my manager was a very close friend of mine and that everyone at my old workplace were close friends so they did look after me. They did also say the same as my other friends… GO TO THE DOCTOR! As i'm sure many others have done as they were too scared to, I ignored the advice yet again. After a few months of having these my seizures then unexpectedly stayed dormant for about the next 10 months, prompting me to think my food theory was correct.

All the while I wasn’t having my seizures now I worried when it was going to happen again though, getting vast amounts of anxiety and just not feeling right. I used to look around and whilst looking at other people I used to think WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE THEM?. They were all well, healthy and feeling the age they were. Me? I felt awful around others who lived a normal life... going to theme parks, out with their friends, going for meals. I was always worried what every month, week, day and even minute would bring. I tried to block out the feelings of anxiety and depression I was feeling. Although seizures were laying dormant I still avoided particular situations, places and things to do out of association with past episodes. I thought I might accidentally trigger one this way. I still never told my parents, my friends were still being there for me as my rock of support which was enough. During this period of time I did go on a little holiday with my friends from my home town and I can say one thing: I barely remember any of it. I was unwell all through that ten month period and when I went on holiday I realised how much I felt awful. I could barely do anything so I just tried to sit in the corner and let everyone else have fun. My friends kept noticing I wasn’t eating, drinking much and in general just not even cracking a smile and were all very worried. People then started commenting to me very subtly about how I was losing a lot of weight and how I should try to eat dinner, snacks and breakfast. I tried to take their advice and keep eating although I did keep looking at myself thinking I was fat and I could have done with losing more weight. Now looking back I regret this a lot as I was effectively creating a second health disorder for myself. I then started a relationship with a new partner who I had worked with and everything was great at the start. I started thinking that I was on the road to recovery although the seizures started happening again, then getting worse and worse every day.

 

Photos off of www.google pictures.com also off of www.soap-nights.com

Lots Of Little First Details..

In order to try to describe discovering I had a disorder, well at the start all I can say I remember was waking up after the first blackout. I didn't know what happened or understand why people were standing around me asking if I was ok. I was disorientated, nauseous and blurry eyed. I felt like I have never felt before. It’s not the normal feeling like if you bang your head on a door, or being dizzy - to be honest it was unexplainable. I'm just lucky I wasn’t alone when this first happened. I was in college a few years back and it just popped out of the blue. My heart plummeted and I have never been so scared before.

 It took a while for me to come around but luckily I had close friends with me so they did look after me and helped me after I had the seizure. I was terrified as I’m sure many others are after having things like panic attacks, anxiety attacks and epileptic seizures. That day I cried so many tears I didn’t even realise it was possible. I didn’t know really what had gone on and I didn’t know what to do. I had so many thought’s going on in my head: 

'Shall I tell Mum and Dad? 

Shall I call in sick tomorrow for college just in case it happens again?

 Do people now think I’m weird?' 

The main question I asked myself was …is there something wrong with me?

I’m sure many of these thoughts have gone through others heads. They aren’t very nice thoughts as I’m sure you would all agree. After I had my first seizure I didn’t tell anyone, though now when looking back I do regret that. I held it off and kept it between me and my friends; I was embarrassed and ashamed of what had happened and I now know I shouldn’t have been. I shouldn’t have thought of all those thoughts but automatically without thinking all these worries just came out and made me keep panicking and fretting what the next day was going to bring. After that day of my first seizure my self-esteem, confidence and health went to an all-time low. It luckily didn’t happen for about 2 months but every day was a constant worry for me. I tried to avoid social events and without sounding silly I did try to even avoid sitting at my dinner table at home for too long. I tried to avoid as much as I could to prevent my parents from finding out. 

Photo takenoff www.candlelightconcert.org.

Luckily my friends were there for me and tried to help me with anything they could. I will always give my heart to those that have helped me through my tough times. Sadly after two months it started to get worse and happened a few times over about a week. This continued for about 3 months and then for some reason it laid dormant and I didn’t have it until last March. Before the seizure lied dormant, my friends were getting very worried about me. Always asking if I’m ok and helped me with college work as I was too busy panicking and being scared to think about it. They tried to make me happy and live a normal life that a 16 year old should have had.. although unfortunately this wouldn't be the case for me.

Has anyone else ever suffered, or lived this way?

Love Alice<3

Epilepsy..The Starting Point..

Hi and welcome to my little bit on my blog.  My name’s Alice Rose i'm 20, and i’m a sufferer of a life condition you've probably heard of called Epilepsy. I was officially diagnosed with it in 2011 although like many illnesses I had to struggle to get it properly recognised. Living with this condition forced me to make a lot of changes to my lifestyle a lot of them are quite limiting. Having uncontrollable seizures also brought a lot of negativity to my life and relationships as a side effect besides the fits themselves. I’m sure a lot of fellow sufferers out there also feel the same and so I want to not only share my story here, but pass on the advice that I've learned. Hopefully people don’t have to suffer if my experiences can help instead! I have found ways to lessen or deal with symptoms, notice warning signs and importantly get my mind off of the illness. They helped me get past the worst part of my life although dealing with the illness is still a daily struggle and I don’t have a cure, a lot of the time I do have very good days too! I know that if I can keep going and share, then others don’t have to feel alone so my idea is that art, fashion and the way you think can change your perception of Epilepsy in a positive way. In my upcoming posts I’ll try to show this to you all and I very much hope that I can learn from you all too! <3

Love Alice <3

Photo off of Dailypositivequotes.com

Pop Couture Christmas Collection..

A few weeks ago I had the lucky chance of going to London to see Pop Couture's Christmas Collection with other bloggers. Well I'm new to blogging so it was lovely to meet other bloggers and ask them questions and just nice to meet new people. I headed up to London after work with my lovely friend Holly who invited me along. I don't really know London so it was great that Holly had done a great plan of how to get there and times of transport! We live a few hours away so it was a heck of a trek! But was worth it.

I was so worried about what clothes to wear and how to look as i had never been to an event like this before. But everyone there and the Pop Couture hosts all made us feel very welcome. Another thing me and Holzie loved was the venue 'Neo' was lovely. 

We got given some lovely tins of goodies :) Including a t shirt, necklace some sweeties :) Was a lovely gift.

There was a table full of  from Pop Couture products. From glittery handbags to gorgeous necklaces and earrings. Just made you want to go on the website and buy!

There were also lots of glittery stars on the tables making it looks very sweet and christmassy.

All of the clothes were lovely. From jackets to blouses, there were also a range of dresses and shorts. Every girls wardrobe dream. There was so much detailing on some of the clothing it looked amazing. 

There was a mixture of colours. I really loved the jackets on show, as well as the metallic look.  I would most definitely recommend to have a look at their website as its everyone's taste there's such a wide range of clothes. We had to choose one item of clothing. So i chose a lovely black dress. It was lovely. It had slits at the side which made is a bit more of a party dress and would look lovely on a night out.  I didn't actually know what item of clothing to choose as the range was all lovely. 

The mannequin above shows some of the great clothes on show. As you can see it also shows the blouse with the embellishment on the collar and also is wearing the lovely sequin skirt.

At the event there was also a makeup artist there giving all the girls different ideas to do with their make-up. Me and Holly had a lovely colour lipstick from MAC in which with her also adding some glitter on top. It looked amazing. A great night out look although feeling really funny on your lips. :)

I had a really lovely evening and was great to meet others. Thank you Pop Couture!!

Love Alice <3

Lots of Little Bits in London..

Well I'm sure as you all know London is amazing to shop! It's so exciting and the shops well where could i start! There are so many! I went there to do some Christmas shopping on Saturday and well i cannot believe how busy it is at this time of year! So many shops and so little time. (Although i did drag my partner there for 11!) Ha. Well as I'm sure you've all seen Starbucks is almost everywhere (apart from where i live) and well there drinks are so yummy and a nice treat to have once in a while as well as being a kick start to the day. I have never been a coffee fan.. I'm more a Herbal Tea kind of girl. But i went out there and had a 'Praline Latte'. WOOHHH its strong and made me buzz for hours!!!

Yumm! With loads of squirty cream on top! Every girl's dream. I was double naughty though and had a double chocolate muffin!! Was a lovely start to the day and it also made the partner happy :).

London's christmas lights looked incredible.. and they were everywhere. They were either funny or sweet ones. Ranging from Marmite advertising to little fairy twinkle lights.

WARNING MARMITE ADVERT BELOW!!

(As you can see they also have put peoples faces in the middle as Santa Claus!!!)

Another thing I had noticed was there Window Dressing was so outstanding and eye grabbing. I would love to be a Window Dresser but this is a very hard career to get into. I love looking at other shops work and helping my idea or this career expand. My favourite was Selfridges & Co. They had such a wide range of ideas and all promoting there products. And all very Christmassy!

I really like the idea of a girly sleepover. In a tent in which looked to be made out of fabrics that they sell in-store. There was trees, the Mannequin was wearing shoes and clothing in which is also sold in-store. I also love the fake miniature pizza's on the floor :).

There was also an amazingly funky Santa. He i definitely in the 20th Century.

Showing a PINK santa slay! With some luxurious lingerie on mannequin's.

GINGERBREAD HOUSE!!! also showing basket full's of goodies!!

I'm sure you all love sweets. This was one of my favourite display's!! There were sweets falling off of a  treadmill.! It was sweet heaven... There were sweets everywhere!! it was one of them moments where you wanted to just jump into all of the chocolate!! It reminded me of Charlie and His Chocolate Factory!! So scrumdidilyumtious!!!

Have any of you seen the displays? And all excited too i hope! 20 DAYS!!

Alice <3

Lots of Little Winter Treats..

Well as i'm sure your all excitteddd as ITTSS CHRIISSTMMASS!!! I'm so excited and cannot wait till Christmas! My first Christmas in my new Flat..first Christmas with my other half Joe and just excited about my first tree :). Sounds silly. But Christmas is such a lovely time of year! Not all for giving and receiving its all abut being with your family and enjoying the spirit of Christmas! But well for your family or friends little Santa Sacks i have a few odd ideas that wont get you totally out of of pocket!

I don't know about you all but i LOVE Vaseline!!! Every girl has to have a pot! Looks nice and shiny, makes your lips silky smooth. From the hot summer days... to the freezing cold days in winter where your lips go all sore and horrible!!

Well look at what i bought the other day. A BIG version of the Vaseline but a tin!. There is 3 little Vaseline tins in it and all different colours and flavours. 

Vaseline Tin:- Tesco

It was a total bargain and a great christmas treat for any girl. Its a limited edition tin and looked gorgeous!.

Another amazing treat is socks. I am a huge fan of socks. From colours to styles. They make your feet warm which is the best part of it especially in these winter times!! But they also look lovely on your feet and can sometimes make your outfit look funky!

I found some gorgeous Christmas pudding.. reindeer and funky designed socks. 

Socks:- Peacocks

These were only three of a range of Christmas socks at Peacocks. I would most definitely recommend to get these they are sooooo cute! 

I thought I would also add my first Christmas tree to my post I hope you like it :)

All glittery! And i have even wrapped up a few presents and under the tree already!

Have any f you put your tree up?

Love Alice <3