In order to try to describe discovering I had a disorder, well at the start all I can say I remember was waking up after the first blackout. I didn't know what happened or understand why people were standing around me asking if I was ok. I was disorientated, nauseous and blurry eyed. I felt like I have never felt before. It’s not the normal feeling like if you bang your head on a door, or being dizzy - to be honest it was unexplainable. I'm just lucky I wasn’t alone when this first happened. I was in college a few years back and it just popped out of the blue. My heart plummeted and I have never been so scared before.
It took a while for me to come around but luckily I had close friends with me so they did look after me and helped me after I had the seizure. I was terrified as I’m sure many others are after having things like panic attacks, anxiety attacks and epileptic seizures. That day I cried so many tears I didn’t even realise it was possible. I didn’t know really what had gone on and I didn’t know what to do. I had so many thought’s going on in my head:
'Shall I tell Mum and Dad?
Shall I call in sick tomorrow for college just in case it happens again?
Do people now think I’m weird?'
The main question I asked myself was …is there something wrong with me?
I’m sure many of these thoughts have gone through others heads. They aren’t very nice thoughts as I’m sure you would all agree. After I had my first seizure I didn’t tell anyone, though now when looking back I do regret that. I held it off and kept it between me and my friends; I was embarrassed and ashamed of what had happened and I now know I shouldn’t have been. I shouldn’t have thought of all those thoughts but automatically without thinking all these worries just came out and made me keep panicking and fretting what the next day was going to bring. After that day of my first seizure my self-esteem, confidence and health went to an all-time low. It luckily didn’t happen for about 2 months but every day was a constant worry for me. I tried to avoid social events and without sounding silly I did try to even avoid sitting at my dinner table at home for too long. I tried to avoid as much as I could to prevent my parents from finding out.
Photo takenoff www.candlelightconcert.org.
Luckily my friends were there for me and tried to help me with anything they could. I will always give my heart to those that have helped me through my tough times. Sadly after two months it started to get worse and happened a few times over about a week. This continued for about 3 months and then for some reason it laid dormant and I didn’t have it until last March. Before the seizure lied dormant, my friends were getting very worried about me. Always asking if I’m ok and helped me with college work as I was too busy panicking and being scared to think about it. They tried to make me happy and live a normal life that a 16 year old should have had.. although unfortunately this wouldn't be the case for me.
Has anyone else ever suffered, or lived this way?
Love Alice<3
Alice you write beautifully and express yr feelings so well.
ReplyDeleteAlice, good on you for this post. It seriously helps anyone out there who probably feels alone and like nobody understands! I remember when I first started getting panic attacks and it went from being on the tube to even just driving to the shop and just felt like I couldn't talk to anyone but luckily I have some really awesome friends who help me out when I'm about to have a panic attack. This post just shows that no matter what you're going through, you don't have to do it alone. :')
ReplyDeleteVanese
xx