It was now that I started to notice that as I was deteriorating, so was everything around me. I was finishing college at this point and needed to start to decide what path to take in life. This is one of the most difficult choices a young person has to make without hitting rock bottom at the same time. I couldn't even decide what clothes to wear in the morning let alone start worrying about getting a job or deadlines for applying to universities. Not too long before college ended I did find out I wasn't being allowed to go to university anyway which made me realise I would have get a full time job.
Photo off of soworthloving.com
Because I was fixated on my health I wasn’t bothered about work and didn’t want to have to worry about finally going out into the ‘Big World’ as all I could concentrate on was getting better. I carried on with my weekend job at a Garden Centre and tried to forget about what was going on in my mind. It was a struggle and didn’t help that I had hidden pressures which worsened my anxiety and stress levels. I think now that this was one of the lowest points in my life. My boyfriend started getting very worried and kept on dropping hints to go and see a doctor so finally I decided to go. When I walked into the doctor’s surgery I just wanted to turn around and walk straight out; my heart was beating as if I had just run a marathon.
The one thing I knew at this point is that it wouldn't be the only time I would be in the surgery for a while as I was going to be told something awful. I knew I wasn’t right and I had been silly brushing it off until now. Whilst waiting there, the one thing I remember was my partner telling me it would be ok. It may sound silly but I constantly used to ask whether everything would ever actually be ok. I do still do to this day. I wanted to be told that everything was fine, to put my mind to rest and be comforted although the majority of time I never take the words ‘you’re fine’ on board anymore. I waited and waited and after what felt like a lifetime I finally got called in.
I had hundreds of thoughts going through my head the whole time sitting there and just wanted all of the worries and pain to stop. When the doctor asked how I felt and what was wrong I couldn’t really explain. When I have a seizure I don’t know what happens during it; I know I’m feeling an ‘out of space’ dizziness, not knowing what I’m saying and just not with it as I’m blacking out - I’m sure many others can relate to this. So I did try to explain the majority of my feelings to the doctor, my partner advised what he had seen over the past months and after all of it came out, the doctor couldn't really decide what it was.
Photo off of Google
Before the doctor gave a diagnosis I remember I was sitting there the whole time fidgeting, twiddling my thumbs and tapping my feet on the floor as I was so anxious. Due to my massive loss of weight he finally said the reason for me having the seizures was my diet. After he gave his diagnosis it made me think: now if I eat and sort out my food and diet then I will get better. I got advised to give it some time and see what happens from there but if it does get worse then come back. My partner wasn’t too sure but went along with it and said he’d look after me no matter what. It felt like a huge weight off of my shoulders: I now had a plan.
Has anyone else been through anything like this? Or know anyone who has?
Love Alice xxx
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