Lots of Little questions and not many answers? ...

It was now that I started to notice that as I was deteriorating, so was everything around me. I was finishing college at this point and needed to start to decide what path to take in life. This is one of the most difficult choices a young person has to make without hitting rock bottom at the same time. I couldn't even decide what clothes to wear in the morning let alone start worrying about getting a job or deadlines for applying to universities. Not too long before college ended I did find out I wasn't being allowed to go to university anyway which made me realise I would have get a full time job.

 

                                                                 Photo off of soworthloving.com

Because I was fixated on my health I wasn’t bothered about work and didn’t want to have to worry about finally going out into the ‘Big World’ as all I could concentrate on was getting better. I carried on with my weekend job at a Garden Centre and tried to forget about what was going on in my mind. It was a struggle and didn’t help that I had hidden pressures which worsened my anxiety and stress levels. I think now that this was one of the lowest points in my life. My boyfriend started getting very worried and kept on dropping hints to go and see a doctor so finally I decided to go. When I walked into the doctor’s surgery I just wanted to turn around and walk straight out; my heart was beating as if I had just run a marathon.

 The one thing I knew at this point is that it wouldn't be the only time I would be in the surgery for a while as I was going to be told something awful. I knew I wasn’t right and I had been silly brushing it off until now. Whilst waiting there, the one thing I remember was my partner telling me it would be ok. It may sound silly but I constantly used to ask whether everything would ever actually be ok. I do still do to this day. I wanted to be told that everything was fine, to put my mind to rest and be comforted although the majority of time I never take the words ‘you’re fine’ on board anymore. I waited and waited and after what felt like a lifetime I finally got called in.

 I had hundreds of thoughts going through my head the whole time sitting there and just wanted all of the worries and pain to stop. When the doctor asked how I felt and what was wrong I couldn’t really explain. When I have a seizure I don’t know what happens during it; I know I’m feeling an ‘out of space’ dizziness, not knowing what I’m saying and just not with it as I’m blacking out - I’m sure many others can relate to this. So I did try to explain the majority of my feelings to the doctor, my partner advised what he had seen over the past months and after all of it came out, the doctor couldn't really decide what it was.

                                                                   Photo off of Google

Before the doctor gave a diagnosis I remember I was sitting there the whole time fidgeting, twiddling my thumbs and tapping my feet on the floor as I was so anxious. Due to my massive loss of weight he finally said the reason for me having the seizures was my diet. After he gave his diagnosis it made me think: now if I eat and sort out my food and diet then I will get better. I got advised to give it some time and see what happens from there but if it does get worse then come back. My partner wasn’t too sure but went along with it and said he’d look after me no matter what. It felt like a huge weight off of my shoulders: I now had a plan.

             Has anyone else been through anything like this? Or know anyone who has? 

    Love Alice xxx

Lots of Little Worries..

At this point my friends had seen the kind of seizures I was having and tried to tell me I needed to see a doctor although I didn’t take on their advice. My head was in another place unfortunately: I thought that if my parents knew I was having fits they would be ashamed... So I tried to prevent myself from being home too long as I had many little brothers and sisters and didn’t want them to see their big sis having a seizure in front of them. They wouldn’t understand at all.  I did try and get my mind off of what was happening by staying in college longer so I tried to do as much work as I could at that point, studying Graphic Design, Textiles Tech and Photography. I loved Graphic Design so I tried to study and work as hard as I could on my Art projects in that particular class. I remember putting so much dedication and thought into the lesson to try to stop myself thinking about what was going on. 

Photo off of http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk 

Luckily I did have many friends in that class so they helped me and stayed with me if I needed it and gave me the strength I didn’t have. Drawing and trying to concentrate on my work as opposed to thinking about what was happening with my health helped me a lot. This was a way that I had the power to help my recovery; I used to take every day as it came, to think 'one day gone without having a seizure, tonight to go and then tomorrow'. Too be brutally honest, at this point in what was happening I didn’t know what my seizures were. To explain what was happening I would blame mine on food. My excuses were that I hadn’t eaten enough, or I had too much or no sugar in the day.  I was too scared to go to the doctor as I was frightened of the outcome. Burying my head in the sand couldn't save me as I then started to get them at work too. I was so lucky that my manager was a very close friend of mine and that everyone at my old workplace were close friends so they did look after me. They did also say the same as my other friends… GO TO THE DOCTOR! As i'm sure many others have done as they were too scared to, I ignored the advice yet again. After a few months of having these my seizures then unexpectedly stayed dormant for about the next 10 months, prompting me to think my food theory was correct.

All the while I wasn’t having my seizures now I worried when it was going to happen again though, getting vast amounts of anxiety and just not feeling right. I used to look around and whilst looking at other people I used to think WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE THEM?. They were all well, healthy and feeling the age they were. Me? I felt awful around others who lived a normal life... going to theme parks, out with their friends, going for meals. I was always worried what every month, week, day and even minute would bring. I tried to block out the feelings of anxiety and depression I was feeling. Although seizures were laying dormant I still avoided particular situations, places and things to do out of association with past episodes. I thought I might accidentally trigger one this way. I still never told my parents, my friends were still being there for me as my rock of support which was enough. During this period of time I did go on a little holiday with my friends from my home town and I can say one thing: I barely remember any of it. I was unwell all through that ten month period and when I went on holiday I realised how much I felt awful. I could barely do anything so I just tried to sit in the corner and let everyone else have fun. My friends kept noticing I wasn’t eating, drinking much and in general just not even cracking a smile and were all very worried. People then started commenting to me very subtly about how I was losing a lot of weight and how I should try to eat dinner, snacks and breakfast. I tried to take their advice and keep eating although I did keep looking at myself thinking I was fat and I could have done with losing more weight. Now looking back I regret this a lot as I was effectively creating a second health disorder for myself. I then started a relationship with a new partner who I had worked with and everything was great at the start. I started thinking that I was on the road to recovery although the seizures started happening again, then getting worse and worse every day.

 

Photos off of www.google pictures.com also off of www.soap-nights.com