At this point my friends had seen the kind of seizures I was having and tried to tell me I needed to see a doctor although I didn’t take on their advice. My head was in another place unfortunately: I thought that if my parents knew I was having fits they would be ashamed... So I tried to prevent myself from being home too long as I had many little brothers and sisters and didn’t want them to see their big sis having a seizure in front of them. They wouldn’t understand at all. I did try and get my mind off of what was happening by staying in college longer so I tried to do as much work as I could at that point, studying Graphic Design, Textiles Tech and Photography. I loved Graphic Design so I tried to study and work as hard as I could on my Art projects in that particular class. I remember putting so much dedication and thought into the lesson to try to stop myself thinking about what was going on.
Photo off of http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk
Luckily I did have many friends in that class so they helped me and stayed with me if I needed it and gave me the strength I didn’t have. Drawing and trying to concentrate on my work as opposed to thinking about what was happening with my health helped me a lot. This was a way that I had the power to help my recovery; I used to take every day as it came, to think 'one day gone without having a seizure, tonight to go and then tomorrow'. Too be brutally honest, at this point in what was happening I didn’t know what my seizures were. To explain what was happening I would blame mine on food. My excuses were that I hadn’t eaten enough, or I had too much or no sugar in the day. I was too scared to go to the doctor as I was frightened of the outcome. Burying my head in the sand couldn't save me as I then started to get them at work too. I was so lucky that my manager was a very close friend of mine and that everyone at my old workplace were close friends so they did look after me. They did also say the same as my other friends… GO TO THE DOCTOR! As i'm sure many others have done as they were too scared to, I ignored the advice yet again. After a few months of having these my seizures then unexpectedly stayed dormant for about the next 10 months, prompting me to think my food theory was correct.
All the while I wasn’t having my seizures now I worried when it was going to happen again though, getting vast amounts of anxiety and just not feeling right. I used to look around and whilst looking at other people I used to think WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE THEM?. They were all well, healthy and feeling the age they were. Me? I felt awful around others who lived a normal life... going to theme parks, out with their friends, going for meals. I was always worried what every month, week, day and even minute would bring. I tried to block out the feelings of anxiety and depression I was feeling. Although seizures were laying dormant I still avoided particular situations, places and things to do out of association with past episodes. I thought I might accidentally trigger one this way. I still never told my parents, my friends were still being there for me as my rock of support which was enough. During this period of time I did go on a little holiday with my friends from my home town and I can say one thing: I barely remember any of it. I was unwell all through that ten month period and when I went on holiday I realised how much I felt awful. I could barely do anything so I just tried to sit in the corner and let everyone else have fun. My friends kept noticing I wasn’t eating, drinking much and in general just not even cracking a smile and were all very worried. People then started commenting to me very subtly about how I was losing a lot of weight and how I should try to eat dinner, snacks and breakfast. I tried to take their advice and keep eating although I did keep looking at myself thinking I was fat and I could have done with losing more weight. Now looking back I regret this a lot as I was effectively creating a second health disorder for myself. I then started a relationship with a new partner who I had worked with and everything was great at the start. I started thinking that I was on the road to recovery although the seizures started happening again, then getting worse and worse every day.
Photos off of www.google pictures.com also off of www.soap-nights.com
